My Grandpa Owned A Grocery Store

I don't think I would make a very good grocery store owner. I lack the necessary organizational skills and drive. Everything would start out good, but after a while I'd get lazy. People would come in and the floors would all be unmopped and the aisles would have empty shelves with open boxes scattered everywhere. It would takes hours of wandering around and peaking under cardboard flaps to find anything.

Also, you'd have to be real careful not to move the boxes, because I know right where everything is and if you move one I will never be able to fucking find anything. Actually, maybe all the customers should stand at the front of the store. Just shout out requests and I'll come back with what you want. But if you ask for something weird or stupid, then you won't get it. No one needs a zester. You can make your more retarded purchases at goddamn Walmart thankyouverymuch.

Seeing as my favorite thing in all grocery stores is the lobster tank, there is going to be a really really big lobster tank. And each one will be dressed up like a little lobster person, ideally a famous figure from history. If you would like to purchase a lobster, you must correctly guess its costume and tell me how that historical figure died. Then you must promise to kill the lobster in the same way before you eat it. For the customer's convenience, I will do my best to come up with historical figures that died by being thrown into a pot of rapidly boiling water. Though I'm not sure I can think of any off the top of my head. Also for the customer's convenience, I'll try to avoid historical figures that died of old age.

Perhaps during the holidays we'll stage a little lobster pageant, reenacting the nativity. I'm not sure about the logistics of making lobsters stand still to act out their the birth of Christ, but I imagine the audience will be forgiving if Joseph and one of the Magi claw lightly at each other. And, before you ask, the baby jesus lobster does cost extra but is probably the most delicious. Oh, and please don't sit on the boxes. I'm kind of touchy about the boxes.

Maybe it would be fun to own a grocery store. Or maybe just a novelty lobster aquarium. That way my top actors wouldn't keep getting eaten.