I told everyone at work yesterday that I used to be in a heavy metal band called "Wannabe Cupcake Muffin." This isn't true, but I was really really bored. And when things get that way at work, I start approaching my coworkers and telling them elaborate lies about my life. It's actually probably my favorite work hobby.
But I didn't make up the phrase "Wannabe Cupcake Muffin" as the name of an imaginary heavy metal band. A couple of summers ago when I used to spend most of my time hanging out with friends instead of working, someone came up with the idea that we should all design t-shirts for threadless.com. This was basically a ploy to get a windfall of extra beer money because, as most everyone knows, threadless pays $5000 for good t-shirt designs. So one night, more as a joke than anything else, we riffed on t-shirt ideas and some one (I don't think it was me) came up with the words "Wannabe Cupcake Muffin."
After drinking some more beers, a complete vision for the t-shirt started to form. The premise was a muffin looking in a bathroom mirror, probably late at night after its little muffin wife had gone to bed. The muffin was slowly applying frosting to its top, just experimenting to see how it would feel to dress up as a cupcake. "Not for any reason or nothing," the muffin would say to himself. "More like as a joke." But he wouldn't tell any of his muffin friends who he worked with down at the factory about it. And when the boys started to make fun of Jerry for not coming bowling because he had to go curtain shopping with his wife, the muffin would mock him louder than anyone. "Jerry is such a little dessert," he would say, not remembering that the night before he had spread pink icing across his muffin top.
Needless to say, this was a difficult story to convey with the picture on the front of a t-shirt. It makes for a pretty confusing image. The similarities in appearance between a cupcake and a muffin, which is kinda the point of the whole thing, actually made it really hard to draw. How do you make a muffin that is distinctly not a cupcake, but also has frosting on top? And where do you put the arms? Or the eyes for that matter? It's perplexing to the t-shirt viewer, and you lose all the gay/tranny subtext.
And as the name of an imaginary heavy metal band, it was not too successful either. Nobody really believed me. But maybe that was because one of my coworkers brought in muffins that had this sweet peanut butter frosting on top. So it was pretty clear where the idea came from.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
You know that thing...
You know that thing where you are walking directly at someone on the sidewalk, and in order to avoid running into each other, you use super-subtle body language to mutually decide if you will both go right or both go left? I was doing that thing with this businessman who was talking on a cell phone, and he shifted his torso every so slightly to the right, indicating that he wanted to go that way. But, for personal reasons I'm not going to disclose here, I wanted to go left. So I made it very clear with the direction of my stride that I was going left and that was that. This apparently came as a surprise to the businessman, who had to do a little stutter-step to avoid running into me. But then, when I passed him, I heard him talking on his phone and he was British.
Wtf? Why didn't he naturally go left?
Wtf? Why didn't he naturally go left?
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Three Frisbee Players
About three days ago, I saw one human, one cartoon dog, and one gorilla walk out the Art Museum on State street togather. They had a frisbee and were clearly headed for the law quad. Their appearance was both bizarre and strangely casual.
One was dressed in the usual uniform that almost everyone in the world wears (frayed shorts, logo t-shirt, flip flops). The second guy was dressed in a gorilla costume. The third member of their party was dressed up as a yellow-spotted cartoon dog. They were chatting about something as they went to play frisbee. The normal-dressed one was clearly having a little trouble hearing the other two through their masks.
What was particularly strange about the costumed frisbeeists was how normally they were walking. Usually, if someone is in public wearing a costume, they work for some Chuck-E-Cheesesque or Disneyish corporation. And if that's not the case, then they are a zany person who likes the attention of dancing around in a costume.
But these guys were walking at a normal pace. No jumping around, no antics. Nothin. And now that I think of it, it's probably harder to behave normally in a cartoon dog suit than it is to behave like a cartoon dog. But this guy was doing it.
When they came up to cross South U. in order to get over to the Law Quad, a group of black kids on the corner started hollarin' at them. Their general sentiment was, "Holy shit! A dog!" They didn't really mock him, or his gorilla friend, so much as marvel at him. The way you do when someone wears a costume in public.
And the yellow dog turned his body to them in a way that said, "C'mon. You really gonna give me some shit about this." As much as person whose entire body is hidden under yellow-with-black-polka-dots felt can have an expression, this guy seemed wearied and resigned. As though he were some opressed minority that was no longer outraged or sad about being singled out, just exasperated.
The dog walked off into the law quad shaking his head, and the gorilla and the normal person patted him on the back. "It's ok man," they might have been saying. "Don't let those jerks get to you."
I imagine that the yellow dog just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't care. There will always be ignorant people. It's fine." And they played frisbee all day until the sun went down. It was probably really fun.
One was dressed in the usual uniform that almost everyone in the world wears (frayed shorts, logo t-shirt, flip flops). The second guy was dressed in a gorilla costume. The third member of their party was dressed up as a yellow-spotted cartoon dog. They were chatting about something as they went to play frisbee. The normal-dressed one was clearly having a little trouble hearing the other two through their masks.
What was particularly strange about the costumed frisbeeists was how normally they were walking. Usually, if someone is in public wearing a costume, they work for some Chuck-E-Cheesesque or Disneyish corporation. And if that's not the case, then they are a zany person who likes the attention of dancing around in a costume.
But these guys were walking at a normal pace. No jumping around, no antics. Nothin. And now that I think of it, it's probably harder to behave normally in a cartoon dog suit than it is to behave like a cartoon dog. But this guy was doing it.
When they came up to cross South U. in order to get over to the Law Quad, a group of black kids on the corner started hollarin' at them. Their general sentiment was, "Holy shit! A dog!" They didn't really mock him, or his gorilla friend, so much as marvel at him. The way you do when someone wears a costume in public.
And the yellow dog turned his body to them in a way that said, "C'mon. You really gonna give me some shit about this." As much as person whose entire body is hidden under yellow-with-black-polka-dots felt can have an expression, this guy seemed wearied and resigned. As though he were some opressed minority that was no longer outraged or sad about being singled out, just exasperated.
The dog walked off into the law quad shaking his head, and the gorilla and the normal person patted him on the back. "It's ok man," they might have been saying. "Don't let those jerks get to you."
I imagine that the yellow dog just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't care. There will always be ignorant people. It's fine." And they played frisbee all day until the sun went down. It was probably really fun.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
5 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before Leading a Happy and Successful Life
Congratulations! By purchasing this book, you have started down a five-step process to a happy and successful life. You may be asking yourself, "How can only five questions bring me something that great?" Well, stop it. That is not one of the five questions.
Human culture has searched for the key to a happy and successful life for thousands of years. But where religion, philosophy, and pharmaceuticals have failed, a simple list of five questions will be successful (and happy). But don't take my word for it.
On second thought, take my word for it. And I'll tell you why. I not only thought of the five questions, but I've also provided answers that you can pretend you thought of yourself. What could be better? (For the record, I was being rhetorical. That is also not one of the five questions. But if it were, the answer would be 'nothing'). So let's not delay. You probably don't want to live even one more minute with your unsuccessful and depressing shell of a life. I assume that's how you feel. I wouldn't know because I not only thought of the questions AND the answers, but I was also born into an affluent and good-looking family, so life's been pretty easy for me. Here we go:
Question One:
Did I actually buy this book?
The five questions have no ranking of importance, each one is vital to a happy and success life. That being said, this one is really really important. That's why I put it first.
Buying this book is key to leading a happy and successful life. If you checked this book out from the library, you have done so expressly against the author's wishes. Apparently you can't get your own book banned from a public library. But if you ever attempt to, I recommend you not use the word "freeloaders" to refer to library patrons because it makes the librarians angry. That's not part of the answer to the first question. That's bonus advice.
So no libraries. But even if you borrowed this book from a friend or are reading this in the bookstore without intending to buy it, you have still already answered the first question incorrectly. Don't panic. I'm going to help you through this.
If you are at the bookstore, carefully follow these instructions: walk up to the cashier, show them this book, slowly set your wallet on the counter, and then leave the store without saying anything. Hopefully they will take the price of the book out of the contents of your wallet. If not, it still sends a powerful message that other people might see and say to themselves, "Maybe I should get that book." If there isn't enough money in your wallet, then you just made me look pretty bad. Thanks a lot.
If you borrowed this book from a friend then drop it like it's burning your hands, scream, and slap that so-called friend across the face. Tell the asshole that he (or she) was warned that this would happen. By the way, some more bonus advice: don't lend this book to a friend.
Now that you have a legally obtained a copy of this book (using libraries, browsing in bookstores, and borrowing from friends are all illegal; I looked it up), you have successfully answered the first question. Aren't you happy? You should be, but not too much. You're only one fifth of the way to a happy and successful life. You should be 10% happy and 10% successful, which adds up to 20%, which is equal to one fifth (I also looked that up). Now that we're ready, let's get on to question two...
Question Two:
Why are there five questions instead of four?
Wow. Excellent question. You sure are smart. It turns out that publishers outright refuse to print a self-help book entitled, "4 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before Leading a Happy and Successful Life." Even if you tell them that four questions are all that are really necessary, and that it took you several afternoons of zoning out just to come up with that many so you'll be damned if you have to think of anymore, they'll still insist on five. It's some bullshit marketing thing. You know, I have an agent that I pay good money to stand up for me on shit like that. Whatever. So you've answered number two. Congratulations and blah, blah, blah. Moving on...
Question Three:
So is Question Two just filler?
No it is not. Next...
Question Four:
Wait a minute. If you told me in Question Two that you had four questions and then added one, how is it possible that Question Three references Question Two?
Allow me to answer your question with another question. Put your finger on this page to hold your place, close the book, and look at the title. Does it say "5 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before Becoming a Fucking Smart Ass"? No it does not.
In fact, you're burning through these questions pretty fast. Why would you waste one on a clarification? That's like wishing that the genie reveal why you only get three wishes. Who gives a fuck? Your first wish is that the genie tell you the best possible wish you can make, your second wish is whatever he tells you, and your third wish you keep in the kicker for a rainy day. Everyone knows that, dumbass! So why are you badgering me with your crazy logic?
Remember all that bonus advice I gave you before? C'mon. Be cool.
Question Five:
I really just picked up this book to learn how to get rich because I assumed that's what you meant by "happy and successful." And since I only have one question left I guess I'll get right to it. How do I get rich?
See how far you've come? Knowing what you want and how to ask for it are two vital parts of confidence. And confidence is vital to getting people to believe whatever you say. And if people believe whatever you say, then a world of opportunity opens up to you. Is that true? Maybe. But I wrote it with confidence, and you believed me. Even if you didn't, you bought this book and now I am happy and successful. See? All it took were five questions.
AFTERWORD:
It occurs to me that you might interpret this book as a recommendation to write your own self-help book. If you do that I will sue you. I don't need a bunch of competition out there. Find your own thing and back off mine.
Human culture has searched for the key to a happy and successful life for thousands of years. But where religion, philosophy, and pharmaceuticals have failed, a simple list of five questions will be successful (and happy). But don't take my word for it.
On second thought, take my word for it. And I'll tell you why. I not only thought of the five questions, but I've also provided answers that you can pretend you thought of yourself. What could be better? (For the record, I was being rhetorical. That is also not one of the five questions. But if it were, the answer would be 'nothing'). So let's not delay. You probably don't want to live even one more minute with your unsuccessful and depressing shell of a life. I assume that's how you feel. I wouldn't know because I not only thought of the questions AND the answers, but I was also born into an affluent and good-looking family, so life's been pretty easy for me. Here we go:
Question One:
Did I actually buy this book?
The five questions have no ranking of importance, each one is vital to a happy and success life. That being said, this one is really really important. That's why I put it first.
Buying this book is key to leading a happy and successful life. If you checked this book out from the library, you have done so expressly against the author's wishes. Apparently you can't get your own book banned from a public library. But if you ever attempt to, I recommend you not use the word "freeloaders" to refer to library patrons because it makes the librarians angry. That's not part of the answer to the first question. That's bonus advice.
So no libraries. But even if you borrowed this book from a friend or are reading this in the bookstore without intending to buy it, you have still already answered the first question incorrectly. Don't panic. I'm going to help you through this.
If you are at the bookstore, carefully follow these instructions: walk up to the cashier, show them this book, slowly set your wallet on the counter, and then leave the store without saying anything. Hopefully they will take the price of the book out of the contents of your wallet. If not, it still sends a powerful message that other people might see and say to themselves, "Maybe I should get that book." If there isn't enough money in your wallet, then you just made me look pretty bad. Thanks a lot.
If you borrowed this book from a friend then drop it like it's burning your hands, scream, and slap that so-called friend across the face. Tell the asshole that he (or she) was warned that this would happen. By the way, some more bonus advice: don't lend this book to a friend.
Now that you have a legally obtained a copy of this book (using libraries, browsing in bookstores, and borrowing from friends are all illegal; I looked it up), you have successfully answered the first question. Aren't you happy? You should be, but not too much. You're only one fifth of the way to a happy and successful life. You should be 10% happy and 10% successful, which adds up to 20%, which is equal to one fifth (I also looked that up). Now that we're ready, let's get on to question two...
Question Two:
Why are there five questions instead of four?
Wow. Excellent question. You sure are smart. It turns out that publishers outright refuse to print a self-help book entitled, "4 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before Leading a Happy and Successful Life." Even if you tell them that four questions are all that are really necessary, and that it took you several afternoons of zoning out just to come up with that many so you'll be damned if you have to think of anymore, they'll still insist on five. It's some bullshit marketing thing. You know, I have an agent that I pay good money to stand up for me on shit like that. Whatever. So you've answered number two. Congratulations and blah, blah, blah. Moving on...
Question Three:
So is Question Two just filler?
No it is not. Next...
Question Four:
Wait a minute. If you told me in Question Two that you had four questions and then added one, how is it possible that Question Three references Question Two?
Allow me to answer your question with another question. Put your finger on this page to hold your place, close the book, and look at the title. Does it say "5 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before Becoming a Fucking Smart Ass"? No it does not.
In fact, you're burning through these questions pretty fast. Why would you waste one on a clarification? That's like wishing that the genie reveal why you only get three wishes. Who gives a fuck? Your first wish is that the genie tell you the best possible wish you can make, your second wish is whatever he tells you, and your third wish you keep in the kicker for a rainy day. Everyone knows that, dumbass! So why are you badgering me with your crazy logic?
Remember all that bonus advice I gave you before? C'mon. Be cool.
Question Five:
I really just picked up this book to learn how to get rich because I assumed that's what you meant by "happy and successful." And since I only have one question left I guess I'll get right to it. How do I get rich?
See how far you've come? Knowing what you want and how to ask for it are two vital parts of confidence. And confidence is vital to getting people to believe whatever you say. And if people believe whatever you say, then a world of opportunity opens up to you. Is that true? Maybe. But I wrote it with confidence, and you believed me. Even if you didn't, you bought this book and now I am happy and successful. See? All it took were five questions.
AFTERWORD:
It occurs to me that you might interpret this book as a recommendation to write your own self-help book. If you do that I will sue you. I don't need a bunch of competition out there. Find your own thing and back off mine.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
My Stamp of Dissaproval
True story:
I wrote a thank you note to my grandma at work this morning. As a graduation present, she paid for my plane ticket out to San Fransisco for spring break. And because I'm trying to save money for after I graduate, I might not have been able to go on a trip if she had not given me such a nice gift. So I wrote her a thank you note and sealed it in an envelope because my grandmother does not own or known how to operate a computer, so I couldn't write her a "thank you email." Plus everyone likes getting letters, older people especially.
So when I got a break off work I went to the post office. At the service desk I asked for one stamp, paid for it, and peeled it off the backing. I was just about to stick the stamp on the envelope (like you do) when I suddenly realized what was on it:
This caused me to hesitate.
'Well, it is just a stamp,' I said to myself. 'It doesn't matter what's on it. Grandma probably won't even notice.'
'Are you fucking kidding me?!' I replied to myself. 'It's a picture of a sad old lady who can't remember who her friends and family are. DO NOT put that on a thank you note to your grandmother.
'Also, the implication that your grandmother would be too confused to notice the square inch color picture on an otherwise completely white envelope is a little insensitive considering you're fully prepared to send her a reminder of her own impending senility.'
"Excuse me," I said out loud. "This may seem a little strange, but may I have a different stamp?"
Alas they wouldn't let me exchange it because I'd already peeled off the backing. Luckily they cost only forty-two cents and I'm not from 1914, so that doesn't strike me as a lot of money.
Now I know that this was an unfortunate coincidence, but does it not seem a little shortsighted on the part of the post office to mass-produce a stamp that just says "Alzheimer's" on it, accompanied by one of the sadder pictures I've ever seen. Not even "Support Alzheimer's Research." Or maybe that's a little long. At least it could say "Alzheimer's SUX!" or "Remembering RULES!" Anything would be better really.
I'm sure that whoever designs stamps sees every one as a little opportunity (or maybe he is fully aware that no one is paying attention) but WAY more old people use the mail than young people. I don't think that they need their stamps to be a harrowing reminder of the realities of growing older. And on a somewhat related note, what's with those clouds and tiny sun? Does she have Alzheimer's on Venus?
The folder's getting a little crowded, but I'll think I'll file this in my brain under 'W.T.F.'
I wrote a thank you note to my grandma at work this morning. As a graduation present, she paid for my plane ticket out to San Fransisco for spring break. And because I'm trying to save money for after I graduate, I might not have been able to go on a trip if she had not given me such a nice gift. So I wrote her a thank you note and sealed it in an envelope because my grandmother does not own or known how to operate a computer, so I couldn't write her a "thank you email." Plus everyone likes getting letters, older people especially.
So when I got a break off work I went to the post office. At the service desk I asked for one stamp, paid for it, and peeled it off the backing. I was just about to stick the stamp on the envelope (like you do) when I suddenly realized what was on it:
This caused me to hesitate.
'Well, it is just a stamp,' I said to myself. 'It doesn't matter what's on it. Grandma probably won't even notice.'
'Are you fucking kidding me?!' I replied to myself. 'It's a picture of a sad old lady who can't remember who her friends and family are. DO NOT put that on a thank you note to your grandmother.
'Also, the implication that your grandmother would be too confused to notice the square inch color picture on an otherwise completely white envelope is a little insensitive considering you're fully prepared to send her a reminder of her own impending senility.'
"Excuse me," I said out loud. "This may seem a little strange, but may I have a different stamp?"
Alas they wouldn't let me exchange it because I'd already peeled off the backing. Luckily they cost only forty-two cents and I'm not from 1914, so that doesn't strike me as a lot of money.
Now I know that this was an unfortunate coincidence, but does it not seem a little shortsighted on the part of the post office to mass-produce a stamp that just says "Alzheimer's" on it, accompanied by one of the sadder pictures I've ever seen. Not even "Support Alzheimer's Research." Or maybe that's a little long. At least it could say "Alzheimer's SUX!" or "Remembering RULES!" Anything would be better really.
I'm sure that whoever designs stamps sees every one as a little opportunity (or maybe he is fully aware that no one is paying attention) but WAY more old people use the mail than young people. I don't think that they need their stamps to be a harrowing reminder of the realities of growing older. And on a somewhat related note, what's with those clouds and tiny sun? Does she have Alzheimer's on Venus?
The folder's getting a little crowded, but I'll think I'll file this in my brain under 'W.T.F.'
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Twin High Maintenance Machines
True story:
When I went into the bank today, This Year by the Mountain Goats was playing on the sound system.
Jesus.
Since the financial meltdown bankers are becoming way more ftw.
When I went into the bank today, This Year by the Mountain Goats was playing on the sound system.
Jesus.
Since the financial meltdown bankers are becoming way more ftw.
Entendre Has Only One Meaning
If you're the sort of person that makes a lot of horrible puns and a lot of unwelcome sexual advances, then you often hear the word "entendre." As far as I can tell, "entendre" is a slightly Frenchier (i.e. classier) way of informing someone that that is what she said. So I tried to look up entendre in the dictionary but it isn't there. But it is--like almost everything--on wikipedia.
Like having a tub of Vaseline around the house, Wikipedia is sometimes fun and sometimes useful. As well as being a place where you can add pictures of Donald Duck dressed up as firefighter to an article about Roe v. Wade, wikipedia also sometimes has very informative informational facts. Check out these tidbits from the page on double entendre [all words in brackets are ones that I added]:
"It's going too fast. I can't enjoy it," she said.
Seeing an opportunity to use my new favorite phrase, I replied with a wink:
"...as the actress said to the bishop."
Apparently she was not as knowledgeable about British culture as I was, so she had no idea what the hell I was talking about. I helpfully explained that I was comparing her semester to intercourse and her feeling that it was going by quickly to premature ejaculation. She very convincingly pretended not to be amused.
So I started reading out loud from the wikipedia article to her until I got to the section entitled, "Triple Entendre."
"There's no such thing," she said.
"Of course there is," I replied with my famous patience and understanding for complete idiots. "It's a pun that has three meanings instead of two."
"Give me one that actually has three," she said.
And even though I thought that would be a pretty good moment to pull out a 'that's what she said,' I restrained myself. It wouldn't have made a whole lot of sense anyway.
Instead, I read her some triple entendres from the examples in the wikipedia article. Unfortunately all three of them sucked really bad. One of them was in French. This one was the worst:
Not surprisingly, my co-worker was still not convinced that triple entendres actually exist. So I made one up.
"If there were an African-American announcing a baseball game, and while announcing that game he talked about how the home team's uniform had been redesigned with a different chromatization, you could say that he was making a color commentary."
At this point I awaited her applause.
"But that doesn't count," she said.
"Why not?"
"Because it isn't sexual. Entendres have to be sexual."
I said that it was borderline racist, which is kind of like a sexual joke (once again, sorry Obama).
"Still doesn't count," she said.
Ugh. Some people are impossible to please.
Anyway, almost entirely out of spite, I came up with three triple entendres of a sexual nature. Here they are.
Punchlines are in italics (explanations are in parentheses):
Unless you're British.
Like having a tub of Vaseline around the house, Wikipedia is sometimes fun and sometimes useful. As well as being a place where you can add pictures of Donald Duck dressed up as firefighter to an article about Roe v. Wade, wikipedia also sometimes has very informative informational facts. Check out these tidbits from the page on double entendre [all words in brackets are ones that I added]:
- The British phrase equivalent to "That's what she said" is "...as the actress said to the bishop". [For example: "Be careful putting all of that blood pudding into my boot...as the actress said to the bishop." This, by the way, is my new favorite phrase.]
- 'That's what she said' is a "a prime example of casual humor in Africa." [I swear to God that is exactly how it is phrased: casual humor in Africa.]
- ...in Are You Being Served? [a British comedy], Mrs. Slocombe makes frequent references to her "pussy", such as "It's a wonder I'm here at all, you know. My pussy got soakin' wet. I had to dry it out in front of the fire before I left." Someone unfamiliar with sexual slang might find this statement funny simply because of the references to her pussy cat, whereas generally a viewer would be expected to detect the innuendo ("pussy" is sexual slang for vagina). [Once again, I didn't change any of that.]
"It's going too fast. I can't enjoy it," she said.
Seeing an opportunity to use my new favorite phrase, I replied with a wink:
"...as the actress said to the bishop."
Apparently she was not as knowledgeable about British culture as I was, so she had no idea what the hell I was talking about. I helpfully explained that I was comparing her semester to intercourse and her feeling that it was going by quickly to premature ejaculation. She very convincingly pretended not to be amused.
So I started reading out loud from the wikipedia article to her until I got to the section entitled, "Triple Entendre."
"There's no such thing," she said.
"Of course there is," I replied with my famous patience and understanding for complete idiots. "It's a pun that has three meanings instead of two."
"Give me one that actually has three," she said.
And even though I thought that would be a pretty good moment to pull out a 'that's what she said,' I restrained myself. It wouldn't have made a whole lot of sense anyway.
Instead, I read her some triple entendres from the examples in the wikipedia article. Unfortunately all three of them sucked really bad. One of them was in French. This one was the worst:
[Another example is] the children's rhyme "This little piggy went to market." Typically a pig goes to be sold at market, but in this case the context suggests it went to buy something. The third meaning is going to sell at the market, as a farmer does.What the fuck does that even mean? As a farmer does!? Is that really the point behind that nursery rhyme? I doubt it.
Not surprisingly, my co-worker was still not convinced that triple entendres actually exist. So I made one up.
"If there were an African-American announcing a baseball game, and while announcing that game he talked about how the home team's uniform had been redesigned with a different chromatization, you could say that he was making a color commentary."
At this point I awaited her applause.
"But that doesn't count," she said.
"Why not?"
"Because it isn't sexual. Entendres have to be sexual."
I said that it was borderline racist, which is kind of like a sexual joke (once again, sorry Obama).
"Still doesn't count," she said.
Ugh. Some people are impossible to please.
Anyway, almost entirely out of spite, I came up with three triple entendres of a sexual nature. Here they are.
Punchlines are in italics (explanations are in parentheses):
- There is a coal-mining town in Pennsylvania that has a small, conservative community. Almost everyone works in the mine. One day a worker is caught sexually abusing an underage girl. But because the community is so small and repressed, everyone sweeps it under the rug so that it doesn't become a major deal. It is thereafter known as the Minor (Miner) Incident. (He's a miner, she's a minor, and the event itself is minor).
- There's a prison camp where all the guards are nutcrackers and the prisoners are all walnuts. The guards need to get some information out of a particular walnut prisoner, but the prisoner has lost his mental stability under the stressful conditions of the prison camp. In order to get the information out of him, the nutcrackers apply a particularly brutal and sexually based torture. But because of his mental condition, he yields no useful intelligence and becomes known as a tough nut to crack. (Nut like his balls, nut like he's crazy, and nut like he's an actual walnut).
- This one is the best: The US Military decides, because of reduced funding, that they are going to have to close one military base within the country's borders. Without having any better way to decide which one will be closed, the military determines they will have a round-robin softball tournament. Each base puts a co-ed team together. After the first game of the tournament, the winning team has secured the future of their fort. There is much celebration. In the second game, things are tense. Everyone knows that losing the game could mean losing their jobs. As one team falls behind late into the seventh inning, they start to pull dirty tricks. One player takes a long lead off first. Then, suddenly, he gropes the breast of the female first-baseman in order to distract her and then makes a run for it. He slides in under the tag and the umpire yells, "SAFE!" His team goes on to win the game and he is always known as the man who stole second base. (Second base like the second military fort, second base like her breast, and second base like the white square on the ground).
Unless you're British.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Introduction
This is my second blog. The other one is called The Central Punchline and it's a literary blog with a bunch of poems and short stories. But I've decided, after posting on it for a few months, that it lacks a certain level of awesomeness that I demand from all my activities. You see, a "literary blog" is sort of like a "literary Garfield comic" or a "literary pillowcase" insofar as all three are a thing preceded by the word "literary."
So this is an attempt at more traditional blog. If you're a fan of The Central Punchline (and if you're not I formally invite you to go suck it) don't be worried. I'm going to keep posting all the fake stories I make up over there. This blog will be true stories about my life with just the usual level of lying that I do when I talk to my friends and family.
Actually, that may have been a lie. I intend to write some fiction for this blog, but it will all be the typical sort of silliness that God invented the internet for. And all true stories from my life will be--it goes without saying--awesome. It won't be one of those blogs where people just complain all the time. I hate that. It's just boring. I mean, why bother bitching at the internet? It can't talk back at you. You're just publishing the fact that things annoy you and you expect everyone to read it. I mean who cares? I mean, it's not like I really care, but it's just like, it just bothers me ok? I hate it....
But seriously: This blog twill be awesome. Follow it.
So this is an attempt at more traditional blog. If you're a fan of The Central Punchline (and if you're not I formally invite you to go suck it) don't be worried. I'm going to keep posting all the fake stories I make up over there. This blog will be true stories about my life with just the usual level of lying that I do when I talk to my friends and family.
Actually, that may have been a lie. I intend to write some fiction for this blog, but it will all be the typical sort of silliness that God invented the internet for. And all true stories from my life will be--it goes without saying--awesome. It won't be one of those blogs where people just complain all the time. I hate that. It's just boring. I mean, why bother bitching at the internet? It can't talk back at you. You're just publishing the fact that things annoy you and you expect everyone to read it. I mean who cares? I mean, it's not like I really care, but it's just like, it just bothers me ok? I hate it....
But seriously: This blog twill be awesome. Follow it.
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