Thursday, February 19, 2009

5 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before Leading a Happy and Successful Life

Congratulations! By purchasing this book, you have started down a five-step process to a happy and successful life. You may be asking yourself, "How can only five questions bring me something that great?" Well, stop it. That is not one of the five questions.

Human culture has searched for the key to a happy and successful life for thousands of years. But where religion, philosophy, and pharmaceuticals have failed, a simple list of five questions will be successful (and happy). But don't take my word for it.

On second thought, take my word for it. And I'll tell you why. I not only thought of the five questions, but I've also provided answers that you can pretend you thought of yourself. What could be better? (For the record, I was being rhetorical. That is also not one of the five questions. But if it were, the answer would be 'nothing'). So let's not delay. You probably don't want to live even one more minute with your unsuccessful and depressing shell of a life. I assume that's how you feel. I wouldn't know because I not only thought of the questions AND the answers, but I was also born into an affluent and good-looking family, so life's been pretty easy for me. Here we go:



Question One:
Did I actually buy this book?

The five questions have no ranking of importance, each one is vital to a happy and success life. That being said, this one is really really important. That's why I put it first.

Buying this book is key to leading a happy and successful life. If you checked this book out from the library, you have done so expressly against the author's wishes. Apparently you can't get your own book banned from a public library. But if you ever attempt to, I recommend you not use the word "freeloaders" to refer to library patrons because it makes the librarians angry. That's not part of the answer to the first question. That's bonus advice.

So no libraries. But even if you borrowed this book from a friend or are reading this in the bookstore without intending to buy it, you have still already answered the first question incorrectly. Don't panic. I'm going to help you through this.

If you are at the bookstore, carefully follow these instructions: walk up to the cashier, show them this book, slowly set your wallet on the counter, and then leave the store without saying anything. Hopefully they will take the price of the book out of the contents of your wallet. If not, it still sends a powerful message that other people might see and say to themselves, "Maybe I should get that book." If there isn't enough money in your wallet, then you just made me look pretty bad. Thanks a lot.

If you borrowed this book from a friend then drop it like it's burning your hands, scream, and slap that so-called friend across the face. Tell the asshole that he (or she) was warned that this would happen. By the way, some more bonus advice: don't lend this book to a friend.

Now that you have a legally obtained a copy of this book (using libraries, browsing in bookstores, and borrowing from friends are all illegal; I looked it up), you have successfully answered the first question. Aren't you happy? You should be, but not too much. You're only one fifth of the way to a happy and successful life. You should be 10% happy and 10% successful, which adds up to 20%, which is equal to one fifth (I also looked that up). Now that we're ready, let's get on to question two...



Question Two:
Why are there five questions instead of four?

Wow. Excellent question. You sure are smart. It turns out that publishers outright refuse to print a self-help book entitled, "4 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before Leading a Happy and Successful Life." Even if you tell them that four questions are all that are really necessary, and that it took you several afternoons of zoning out just to come up with that many so you'll be damned if you have to think of anymore, they'll still insist on five. It's some bullshit marketing thing. You know, I have an agent that I pay good money to stand up for me on shit like that. Whatever. So you've answered number two. Congratulations and blah, blah, blah. Moving on...



Question Three:
So is Question Two just filler?

No it is not. Next...



Question Four:
Wait a minute. If you
told me in Question Two that you had four questions and then added one, how is it possible that Question Three references Question Two?
Allow me to answer your question with another question. Put your finger on this page to hold your place, close the book, and look at the title. Does it say "5 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before Becoming a Fucking Smart Ass"? No it does not.

In fact, you're burning through these questions pretty fast. Why would you waste one on a clarification? That's like wishing that the genie reveal why you only get three wishes. Who gives a fuck? Your first wish is that the genie tell you the best possible wish you can make, your second wish is whatever he tells you, and your third wish you keep in the kicker for a rainy day. Everyone knows that, dumbass! So why are you badgering me with your crazy logic?

Remember all that bonus advice I gave you before? C'mon. Be cool.




Question Five:
I really just picked up this book to learn how to get rich because I assumed
that's what you meant by "happy and successful." And since I only have one question left I guess I'll get right to it. How do I get rich?
See how far you've come? Knowing what you want and how to ask for it are two vital parts of confidence. And confidence is vital to getting people to believe whatever you say. And if people believe whatever you say, then a world of opportunity opens up to you. Is that true? Maybe. But I wrote it with confidence, and you believed me. Even if you didn't, you bought this book and now I am happy and successful. See? All it took were five questions.



AFTERWORD:
It occurs to me that you might interpret this book as a recommendation to write your own self-help book. If you do that I will sue you. I don't need a bunch of competition out there. Find your own thing and back off mine.