“Let’s get real." he said, "The job market is terrible. You may have great skills. You may be a hard worker. But there are thousands of people out there just like you that are applying for the same positions.
“So how do you distinguish yourself?" he asked, "It's simple: the interview. Following a few easy guidelines during the interview process can really help set you apart from the crowd. Let’s go over some basics:
“First thing’s first: how do you dress for success? Everyone knows that you should come to any interview in business professional attire. Name brands are important. Wear a nice watch. The more obviously expensive your clothes, the more you will seem like you don't need any money, which is a surefire way
“So why not show up in clothes that are literally made of money? I am not being metaphorical about this. I’m talking about taking twenty dollar bills and sewing them together into a trim, stylish, non-gender-specific suit. And while we’re at it, I’m pretty sure it is possible to make thread out of gold. Although I am neither a metallurgist nor a seamstress, it’s worth looking into. The subtle glitter of golden thread will really show potential employers that you would make an excellent employee.
“Now I don’t want to be discouraging, but a sharp appearance is not necessarily enough to get you hired. Once you’ve impressed them with your WealthWear®, they are going to start asking you a bunch of questions. The first questions that the interviewer will ask are probably going to be about the logistics of walking down the street in a suit made primarily of American currency. Try to move past that quickly.
“Then you will be asked about how your education, expertise, and professional background relate to the position that you have applied for. It is very important to keep in mind that the answers to these questions are none of their fucking beeswax. Remember, if at any time you start to get uncomfortable, it is your right as an interviewee to have your lawyer present.
“Of course, that is only if things start to get out of hand. It probably won’t come to that. Just stay calm, be cool, and wink as often as possible. It helps to throw in a few veiled compliments about the interviewer’s sexual appeal. If you then sense that the interviewer is attracted to you, imply that a strong professional respect between you could―who knows?―turn into something more.
“Just be sure to remain fairly enigmatic and elusive. When they ask where you went to school, tell them that the name of the school is an unpronounceable symbol. If they ask you where the school is located, make a mysterious expression and allow several moments of meaningful silence to pass before discreetly pointing to your genitals.
“It doesn’t take much to successfully navigate any interview. Just follow my advice and you can get ahead in this highly competitive market.
“Believe me. I’ve interviewed dozens of people in my career. And, pending my inevitable vindication in several upcoming lawsuits, I will interview hundreds more.
“Anyway, thank you so much folks for taking the time to hear my thoughts on this today. It’s people like you who make people like me what I am. Now let’s get real… Would you like to hear the specials or do you already know what you want to order?”
