Thanksgiving Wins At Being A Holiday

Picking a favorite holiday is kind of like picking a favorite color. It doesn’t really make any sense, it’s stupid and childish, but you can’t help eventually deciding that one of them is the absolute best. Everybody does it. For example, my favorite color is blue (I mean, come on, have you ever heard of the sky?) and my favorite holiday, by far, is Thanksgiving.

Like anyone who has an opinion on something that doesn’t matter, I’m determined to have the MOST CORRECT opinion on it. I will not tolerate any objections—Thanksgiving is the best holiday. If you don’t agree, your favorite color is probably burnt umber or something.

However, no one’s perfect. I understand that some people out there may have somehow become misinformed. As a public service, here’s an educational list of reasons why Thanksgiving is better than whatever stupid day you think is so awesome:

IT’S NOT ONE OF THE DUMB ONES

There are a number of holidays that are pretty outdated, but we vaguely acknowledge them with their own Google banners because it’d be awkward to pretend they just don’t exist. Groundhog Day is great and everything, but we could probably change it to Bill Murray Day and everyone would be happier. I think we can get rid of Presidents Day, unless it’s to remind us of a time when people actually liked presidents (mostly because they still had beards). Also, Arbor Day is ridiculous. Trees are idiots.

THANKSGIVING’S NOT RACIST

At the risk of sounding PC, what the fuck is up with St. Patrick’s Day? The whole thing is just people pretending to be Irish by getting SUPER drunk. If holidays are about stereotyping, then let’s celebrate Cinco de Mayo by taking a nap, or observe Martin Luther King Day by being late to everything. The worst generalization in Thanksgiving is that Indians are nice and good at farming.

BUT THANKSGIVING IS SEXIST

No matter how progressive your family, on Thanksgiving Day they party like its 1959. Men watch football. Women do the cooking. As a man, THAT WORKS FOR ME.

IT’S NOT NEW YEAR’S OR HALLOWEEN

People really like to say their favorite holiday is Halloween, meaning they like dressing up and getting sloshed. But let’s be honest, which of those two things do you like more? The whole costume thing is just an opportunity for boring people to show how “whacky” they are. Ugh. As for New Year’s, it’s a huge party where everyone wakes up the next day and makes a resolution to be a better person. That holiday already exists. It’s called ‘every weekend.’

IT HAS A COOL STORY

A great holiday centers around a made-up legend. Veteran’s Day is a noble cause, but its too real to inspire a celebration. Christmas and Easter already had fairy tales about that friendly carpenter, but people couldn’t help adding more about a jolly grandpa, airborne deer and a rabbit that gives out eggs for some reason.

Although the Thanksgiving story may be based on true events, it’s clearly about as accurate as a movie based on true events. But the idea of a neighborly meal between Pilgrims and Indians distracts from how things got all Cowboys and Indians a few years later. Regardless of the truth behind the First Thanksgiving, its hard to fuck with the spirit of the holiday. It’s about being thankful. Compare that to Christmas, which has been corrupted beyond all recognition into one giant stressfest.

Celebrating Thanksgiving is easy. Think about someone who has nothing, I mean really nothing. Someone who’s starving and cold and alone. Now think about all the shit you have. Think about all the people who help you out with your problems. Think about how lucky you are. There. That’s it. That’s Thanksgiving.

The Picinic Table President

Jon Huntsman's people have clearly decided that the best way for him to get more attention as a presidential candidate is to wear more shirts with checks:

Benn Diagrams

Cassie McQuater recently commissioned entries for a "Venn Diagram Museum." Here are some I made that attempt to describe several popular drugs. It is titled...

THE VENN DIAGRAM DRUG INDEX

You must click the images if you want to actually read what they say:

Online Harassment Seminar

My place of employment required me to complete a one-hour online sexual harassment seminar. Did I complete the entire thing? Yes I did.

Did I screen-grab images then edit them in the MS Paint on my work computer? YES I ALSO DID.

They now have funny captions! Click the first image to see a slideshow:

Let's Get Real: The Interview

“Let’s get real." he said, "The job market is terrible. You may have great skills. You may be a hard worker. But there are thousands of people out there just like you that are applying for the same positions.

“So how do you distinguish yourself?" he asked, "It's simple: the interview. Following a few easy guidelines during the interview process can really help set you apart from the crowd. Let’s go over some basics:

“First thing’s first: how do you dress for success? Everyone knows that you should come to any interview in business professional attire. Name brands are important. Wear a nice watch. The more obviously expensive your clothes, the more you will seem like you don't need any money, which is a surefire way

“So why not show up in clothes that are literally made of money? I am not being metaphorical about this. I’m talking about taking twenty dollar bills and sewing them together into a trim, stylish, non-gender-specific suit. And while we’re at it, I’m pretty sure it is possible to make thread out of gold. Although I am neither a metallurgist nor a seamstress, it’s worth looking into. The subtle glitter of golden thread will really show potential employers that you would make an excellent employee.

“Now I don’t want to be discouraging, but a sharp appearance is not necessarily enough to get you hired. Once you’ve impressed them with your WealthWear®, they are going to start asking you a bunch of questions. The first questions that the interviewer will ask are probably going to be about the logistics of walking down the street in a suit made primarily of American currency. Try to move past that quickly.

“Then you will be asked about how your education, expertise, and professional background relate to the position that you have applied for. It is very important to keep in mind that the answers to these questions are none of their fucking beeswax. Remember, if at any time you start to get uncomfortable, it is your right as an interviewee to have your lawyer present.

“Of course, that is only if things start to get out of hand. It probably won’t come to that. Just stay calm, be cool, and wink as often as possible. It helps to throw in a few veiled compliments about the interviewer’s sexual appeal. If you then sense that the interviewer is attracted to you, imply that a strong professional respect between you could―who knows?―turn into something more.

“Just be sure to remain fairly enigmatic and elusive. When they ask where you went to school, tell them that the name of the school is an unpronounceable symbol. If they ask you where the school is located, make a mysterious expression and allow several moments of meaningful silence to pass before discreetly pointing to your genitals.

“It doesn’t take much to successfully navigate any interview. Just follow my advice and you can get ahead in this highly competitive market.

“Believe me. I’ve interviewed dozens of people in my career. And, pending my inevitable vindication in several upcoming lawsuits, I will interview hundreds more.

“Anyway, thank you so much folks for taking the time to hear my thoughts on this today. It’s people like you who make people like me what I am. Now let’s get real… Would you like to hear the specials or do you already know what you want to order?”

Short Sheets

Yesterday, my friend Maria asked me if it was a good idea to buy sheets. This is in keeping with our usual pattern of conversation where she is genuinely stressing out about something I find ridiculous, and so I end up making wisecracks and being generally unhelpful.

You see, she's been in her new apartment almost three months now and she just bought a bed. Up until now, she's just been sleeping in a vaguely defined pile of her softest possessions. But now that she has a bed, she's debating whether or not to get sheets, so she called to ask me what I thought. I told her that, though I do not know the standard for women, for men having sheets on your bed is like having windows on your van. It says that you are probably not a rapist.

And, just to be clear, when I say that Maria has bought a "bed," I do so generously. What Maria has actually bought is a twin-sized box spring and, purchased separately, a full-sized mattress to balance on top. Together they make up a giant two-piece Jenga set, which she lays atop to slumber every night. When I asked why she would buy mismatched components of the seemingly simple and common apparatus known as a "bed," she ignored me and started talking about how she has been getting horrible sleep lately.

"I have really strange dreams," she said. "I'm standing near this volcano, and the ground around me is really unstable. And I know that if I walk in any direction the ground is going to open up and swallow me."

I told her that this makes sense. Any slight toss or turn in either direction will flip the mattress over and send her legs up in the air with a surprised scream, pinning her now very awake self to the hardwood floor.

"I think I'm drinking to much coffee," she said.

I told her that I was reminded of the summer after my sophomore year of college. Back then I had only a sheetless twin mattress in the corner of a preposterously cheap room to call my own. But, I said, I didn't really mind the bare and homeless-person-like arrangement on which I fell asleep. Because, at that time, "falling asleep" was really just a euphemism for what happened at the end of every night after a few hours of drinking beer on various porches with my friends. So most nights, I was unable to take any notice of something as trivial as the thing I happened to be passed out on.

However, after attempting to bring girls back to that room, I did eventually learn why bedsheets are like van windows.

Maria then proceeded to recount the entire premire of The Bachelor to me. She is one of these friends (though she may be the only one, as far as I know) who asks for advice and her questions end up haunting me for days. "Should I buy sheets?" She asks things that makes you fundamentally question assumptions that you didn't even know you had. In order to answer her question, I had to consider sheets on a level that was far more philosophical than II ever had before.

Should one buy sheets? I mean, guess so...

You can definitely defend that morality of a basic white cotton set. But if you get right down to it, there's a certain thread-count at which it starts to get hard to justify yourself. Think of all the people who would be amazed at just the idea of a BED. The more I think about it, the more I cannot for the life of me decide if I should or should not own sheets. "Should" just isn't a word that really enters into my relationship with sheets.

As always after I talk to Maria , I'm starting to drive myself crazy. I have to drop it before I flip the metaphorical mattress off my mental boxspring. I'm going to go buy a beer and try to forget about all these complicated answers to such simple questions.

My Grandpa Owned A Grocery Store

I don't think I would make a very good grocery store owner. I lack the necessary organizational skills and drive. Everything would start out good, but after a while I'd get lazy. People would come in and the floors would all be unmopped and the aisles would have empty shelves with open boxes scattered everywhere. It would takes hours of wandering around and peaking under cardboard flaps to find anything.

Also, you'd have to be real careful not to move the boxes, because I know right where everything is and if you move one I will never be able to fucking find anything. Actually, maybe all the customers should stand at the front of the store. Just shout out requests and I'll come back with what you want. But if you ask for something weird or stupid, then you won't get it. No one needs a zester. You can make your more retarded purchases at goddamn Walmart thankyouverymuch.

Seeing as my favorite thing in all grocery stores is the lobster tank, there is going to be a really really big lobster tank. And each one will be dressed up like a little lobster person, ideally a famous figure from history. If you would like to purchase a lobster, you must correctly guess its costume and tell me how that historical figure died. Then you must promise to kill the lobster in the same way before you eat it. For the customer's convenience, I will do my best to come up with historical figures that died by being thrown into a pot of rapidly boiling water. Though I'm not sure I can think of any off the top of my head. Also for the customer's convenience, I'll try to avoid historical figures that died of old age.

Perhaps during the holidays we'll stage a little lobster pageant, reenacting the nativity. I'm not sure about the logistics of making lobsters stand still to act out their the birth of Christ, but I imagine the audience will be forgiving if Joseph and one of the Magi claw lightly at each other. And, before you ask, the baby jesus lobster does cost extra but is probably the most delicious. Oh, and please don't sit on the boxes. I'm kind of touchy about the boxes.

Maybe it would be fun to own a grocery store. Or maybe just a novelty lobster aquarium. That way my top actors wouldn't keep getting eaten.