SADPROM DOTCOM: 2011

Picking a favorite holiday is kind of like picking a favorite color. It doesn’t really make any sense, it’s stupid and childish, but you can’t help eventually deciding that one of them is the absolute best. Everybody does it. For example, my favorite color is blue (I mean, come on, have you ever heard of the sky?) and my favorite holiday, by far, is Thanksgiving.

Like anyone who has an opinion on something that doesn’t matter, I’m determined to have the MOST CORRECT opinion on it. I will not tolerate any objections—Thanksgiving is the best holiday. If you don’t agree, your favorite color is probably burnt umber or something.

However, no one’s perfect. I understand that some people out there may have somehow become misinformed. As a public service, here’s an educational list of reasons why Thanksgiving is better than whatever stupid day you think is so awesome:

IT’S NOT ONE OF THE DUMB ONES

There are a number of holidays that are pretty outdated, but we vaguely acknowledge them with their own Google banners because it’d be awkward to pretend they just don’t exist. Groundhog Day is great and everything, but we could probably change it to Bill Murray Day and everyone would be happier. I think we can get rid of Presidents Day, unless it’s to remind us of a time when people actually liked presidents (mostly because they still had beards). Also, Arbor Day is ridiculous. Trees are idiots.

THANKSGIVING’S NOT RACIST

At the risk of sounding PC, what the fuck is up with St. Patrick’s Day? The whole thing is just people pretending to be Irish by getting SUPER drunk. If holidays are about stereotyping, then let’s celebrate Cinco de Mayo by taking a nap, or observe Martin Luther King Day by being late to everything. The worst generalization in Thanksgiving is that Indians are nice and good at farming.

BUT THANKSGIVING IS SEXIST

No matter how progressive your family, on Thanksgiving Day they party like its 1959. Men watch football. Women do the cooking. As a man, THAT WORKS FOR ME.

IT’S NOT NEW YEAR’S OR HALLOWEEN

People really like to say their favorite holiday is Halloween, meaning they like dressing up and getting sloshed. But let’s be honest, which of those two things do you like more? The whole costume thing is just an opportunity for boring people to show how “whacky” they are. Ugh. As for New Year’s, it’s a huge party where everyone wakes up the next day and makes a resolution to be a better person. That holiday already exists. It’s called ‘every weekend.’

IT HAS A COOL STORY

A great holiday centers around a made-up legend. Veteran’s Day is a noble cause, but its too real to inspire a celebration. Christmas and Easter already had fairy tales about that friendly carpenter, but people couldn’t help adding more about a jolly grandpa, airborne deer and a rabbit that gives out eggs for some reason.

Although the Thanksgiving story may be based on true events, it’s clearly about as accurate as a movie based on true events. But the idea of a neighborly meal between Pilgrims and Indians distracts from how things got all Cowboys and Indians a few years later. Regardless of the truth behind the First Thanksgiving, its hard to fuck with the spirit of the holiday. It’s about being thankful. Compare that to Christmas, which has been corrupted beyond all recognition into one giant stressfest.

Celebrating Thanksgiving is easy. Think about someone who has nothing, I mean really nothing. Someone who’s starving and cold and alone. Now think about all the shit you have. Think about all the people who help you out with your problems. Think about how lucky you are. There. That’s it. That’s Thanksgiving.